Food Fight
by WhatATragicComedy
Summary: Top Secret military base, check. Commissary full of personnel, check. One errant slip of the hand, check. Chaos, double check.


Sam eyed her mashed potatoes as if she expected it to mutate into an alien entity. She was quite certain that it could do just that. With the way it tasted, it most certainly couldn't be classified as anything remotely similar to potatoes. Sighing, she set down her fork and went back to looking over her manuscript.

"Good afternoon, Major Carter."

"Hey Teal'c."

"Have you interacted with Daniel Jackson today?"

"No. I imagine he's still cooped up in his office with the tablet we brought back from PX5-015."

"We arrived back at the SGC from that planet two days ago."

"This is Daniel we're talking about here."

Teal'c nodded his head in acknowledgement of the truthfulness of that statement.

The Colonel sat down beside Teal'c with his lunch.

"Mission is underway, T."

Looking suspiciously between her two teammates, Sam asked, "What mission?"

Teal'c's face was expressionless as ever, but Colonel O'Neill was unable to hide a slight twitch to his lips.

Again, she repeated, "What mission?"

The Colonel and Teal'c looked at eachother and then at Sam.

Teal'c spoke first. "We may have been the cause of a shower incident that is about to transpire."

"What did you do?"

Colonel O'Neill smiled as he took a bite of his soy burger.

"Just a touch of dye to a certain overzealous archaeologist's shower supplies, maybe."

In the shock of his declaration, Sam rather forcibly let her arm fall on the table. The following catapult of mashed potatoes was unexpected by all. Three sets of eyes followed the flying food until it landed smack on the back of the head of a marine from SG-10. The whole commissary went quiet, the only sound being the clattering of the fork landing on the cement floor.

All Sam could think was, 'It just had to be one of the marines, didn't it? No doubt it would all come down to the Air Force vs Marines rivalry now.'

Everyone froze. The Colonel was bent down and forward trying to see inbetween Teal'c's head and arms. Teal'c's eyebrow was so high on his forehead that Sam wondered that it didn't cause him some pain to hold it there. And she wasn't sure whether it was because she was nervous or if it really was just that funny, but a strangled chuckle escaped her lips.

Sam instantly went to cover her mouth and try and stop any more giggles from getting out. The marine cringed before reaching behind his head and wiping away some of the mashed potatoes from his head. Then he stood up and turned around looking somewhere between murderous and homicidal. Which Sam supposed there really wasn't a difference between those two words, but one did sound much worse than the other.

Out of a sense of self preservation and just because she thought it would be funny, Sam pointed at the Colonel so that the marine would think that he did it. That didn't count as insubordination, did it? As the marine turned his gaze to the Colonel, Jack realized what Sam had done and looked appropriately shocked. It wasn't everyday that Sam was blaming something on her CO after all.

In the few seconds it took for Jack to look at Sam, the marine, who was also a Colonel and thus not afraid of retribution, had turned and grabbed a handful of applesauce and hurled it at the Colonel's head.

After the momentary shock at seeing something spatter against Jack's head, Sam burst out laughing.

Jack gave Sam a fieresome glare, as if she was the one who threw applesauce at him. From somewhere across the room, the shout came, "FOOD FIGHT!"

With lightning speed that Sam had only ever seen him use in the field, Jack grabbed the ketchup bottle on the table and squirted her right in the face.

Sam gasped in shock. Attack mode set in and Sam grabbed her piece of chocolate cake and rubbed it in the Colonel's face before she thought about what she was doing.

His shock quieted their table while the fight continued around them. Sam felt something somewhat solid and wet hit the back of her head but she was still unable to do anything but stare at the Colonel's reaction. 'What a way to get a court marshall' Sam thought, that is until the Colonel tossed the contents of his soda all over the front of her uniform.

Standing up from the table in icy disbelief, Sam felt something else hit her square in the back. Oh, this was most definately war now.

Sam dropped to the floor and quickly assertained that if she could make a run for it, three tables over would be a great place for cover. Grabbing her tray and causing the remains of her food to fall to the floor, Sam leapt up and made a run for it, using her tray as a shield. At table number two on the way, Sam grabbed a plate full of amunition and then hunkered down at her destination.

Teal'c watched as O'Neill also fled the table. The Taur'i were indeed a strange race. Men and women were acting as little children, and the commissary a battlefield. Deciding to take his lunch elsewhere, Teal'c rose from his table. Splat! Something of a slimy nature made contact with the back of Teal'c's head. His eyes narrowed in indignation. Who dare attack a Jaffa in the back! If the Tauri wished to do battle with jello and speghetti sauce, a battle they would receive!

Sam was pretty sure she'd only been nailed once on the way over with a piece of pie. Not bad considering how packed the commissary was and how much food was flying right now.

Securing her location, Sam looked for her targets. Teal'c and the Colonel were no longer at the table. They had obviously sought cover elsewhere as well. She had a plate with the remains of a burger, something she assumed was supposed to be lasagna, and a side of pudding. A rather disgusting combination of food in her opinion but it would serve her purpose now.

Glancing over her corner table again, Sam spotted Teal'c as he hurled some unknown food item across the room and hit his target. Using the opportunity as it was given, Sam quickly took the pudding and threw it in his direction. Given his close location, it didn't take long for the plop of pudding to land on the side of his head. He'd be cleaning pudding out of his ear for weeks.

Sam smiled and quickly ducked back behind her barrier. Now to acquire target number two. Where, oh where, could her colonel be? Sam scanned the commissary looking for probably locations. He might have allied himself with SG-12 from their position over by the doors. But she hadn't seen him there yet and it was pretty crowded so that was unlikely. He would most definately choose a secure location with lots of ammunition readily available. Sam's eyes readily turned to the food counter.

The cooks had all but disappeared and yet no one seemed to be daring to overtake the food counter. Hmmm. Unlikely, unless they all were getting pelted on approach. If Sam snuck through the back way, she could easily surprise the Colonel or if he wasn't there, she could take over the counter herself. Either way, it was a win win situation.

Taking a fistful of lasagna, Sam stealthily snuck through to the side door to enter the back of the counter. She smiled as she saw the Colonel ducked behind the counter facing the other direction, getting ready to launch a tofu missile on some unsuspecting chum. This couldn't be more perfect.

Sam focused all of her attention on being as quiet as possible on her approach. She had to be quick before he turned around for more ammo but quiet enough that he wouldn't realize she was there until it was too late. Right as she was approaching his back, her shoe squeaked from what was apparently sauce of some kind. Colonel O'Neill whipped around but before he could defend himself, Sam attacked, smearing lasagna all on his face and neck and depositing the rest down the front of his shirt.

Mission accomplished, Sam had to retreat quickly. Unfortunately, the Colonel cut off her retreat and Sam felt the tofu slide down the back of her shirt as Colonel O'Neill tackled her. He laughed out loud when she squeaked and wrestled to get free. Spotting a meatloaf tray within her reach, Sam grabbed a handful and began to cover the Colonel in it when a yell was heard above all the rucus around them.

"Jack!!!!"

Sam and Jack poked there heads out above the counter to see everyone else staring at a very red man just inside the doors. _Very_ red man. Neon red hair and vibrantly red skin. Along with a fire in his eyes and Sam was sure of it, steam coming out of his nostrils. Sam quite frankly wondered where his horns and pitchfork were. Daniel Jackson was one pissed off archaeologist.

The Colonel just gave a lopsided grin and unfortunately for poor Daniel, the shock of his present complexion had worn off and he was standing in the middle of a war zone with absolutely no cover.

Food flew from all directions and landed on the fuming 'devil' in the middle of the room.

Daniel didn't even take his eyes off the Colonel once and just seemed to add the food as another mark against which Jack would be paying for.

Colonel O'Neill's grin got a hair wider. "What can I say, Danny, the devil made me do it."


End file.
